Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

by lexiiiiiiweee / 02/19/2010 at 5:00pm / United States / Health

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 3:36pm / United States (Iowa) / Kids

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 3:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

by wtfuraretard / 02/19/2010 at 3:18pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

by corleon198425 / 02/19/2010 at 1:44pm / United States / Health

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

by sexxibxmami / 02/19/2010 at 1:24pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

by kit_kat14 / 02/19/2010 at 9:27am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 7:03am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

by JJ101 / 02/19/2010 at 6:52am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 3:25am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

by OMGraven / 02/19/2010 at 3:24am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

by Brett meek / 02/19/2010 at 2:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

by somuchforthat / 02/19/2010 at 2:38am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals