Single
Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML
Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML
Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML
Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML
Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML
Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about isn't real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML
Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tased. FML
Today, I came home from a stay at my girlfriend's place. My little brother stepped on my bag and accidentally switched my vibrator on. I told him the buzzing sound was my electric toothbrush. He went to the bathroom and came back with the toothbrush. He won't stop asking what's in my bag. FML
Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML
Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML
Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror, and she quickly excused herself. She was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML
Today, I planned on telling the girl I like that I have feelings for her. What I didn't plan on was having a panic attack and whispering "I really like you!" super creepily and immediately saying "bye" and running away in shame. FML
Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML
Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML
Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML
Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML
Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML
Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML
Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML
Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML
Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML
Today, a pervert was visibly playing with himself right next to me on the train. Then on the bus. Then on the other bus I changed to in order to lose him. At least somebody's interested. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML
Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML
Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML
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