Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML
Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML
Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML
Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML
Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML
Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pocket. Turns out he'd written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML
Today, I was on top of my boyfriend having sex and I was looking away doing my thing. When I looked back, my boyfriend had headphones on and was playing air drums. FML
Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML
Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML
Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML
Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML
Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML
Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML
Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML
Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML
Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML
Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
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