Ashaytes

This is fine

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

Erm, you OK hun?

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

Useless

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

Today, my 15 year-old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

Masterful gambit

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

Today, my girlfriend of three and half years broke up with me, just after I'd finished fixing up her house, which took me about three and a half years. FML

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

Gift ideas

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

Today, while waiting on tables at work, I was carrying a glass of red wine when I lost balance and spilt it everywhere. After cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass, I did exactly the same thing again. FML

Are you serious?

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

Go home, you're drunk

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML