Miss Corvallis 28 years-old Single
Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML
Today, I finally got to see the professional photographs taken at the wedding I recently attended. I can't find a single picture of myself that I like. I was the bride. FML
Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML
Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML
Today, my best friend was walking next to her crush, so I pushed her into him gently as a joke. She ended up stepping on his foot, which caused him to fall and crack his head against the floor. FML
Today, I found a new way to tell if my girlfriend is on her period. If she responds to "Want me to get you anything while I'm at the store?" by screaming "God just fuck off, you cunt!" then bursting into tears, the answer is a definite yes. FML
Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML
Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML
Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me, "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML
Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML
Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML
Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walked in. After a long, awkward pause, she said, "I like your socks" and walked out. She's a teacher at my high school. I have to see her every day. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, I found out that the guy I've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me "Baby." FML
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML
Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML
Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out that he was a good speaker, and could incite passion in a crowd. Instead, what came out was, "Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement." FML
Today, I was being pulled into a pool by my girlfriend. To avoid ruining my phone, I tossed it into one of the chairs behind me. I missed and it landed into the hot tub behind it. FML
Today, I got myself a cool pair of colored contacts. I was wearing them while at home, so that I'll get used to them. Then I had to go to a job interview. I forgot to take them out. I went to a job interview with zebra-print eyes. FML
Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML
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