Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, I told my parents that what I'd really like for my 21st birthday is the 1865 edition of the Memoirs of Saint-Simon in 22 volumes that I found online for $200, and have been wanting for months. They laughed and said, "Yeah, right. We'll get you an iPhone and perhaps you'll become normal." FML
Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML
Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML
Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage." When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML
Today, I had an important job interview at another company. I'd tried to keep it secret from everyone at work, so they wouldn't tell my boss, as I can't afford to get on his bad side yet. My mom posted on my Facebook wall, wishing me luck. I'm Facebook friends with most of my colleagues. FML
Today, I woke up with a giant red rash all over my face, so puffed up that I could hardly open my eyes. The doctor said it was probably from some of the compounds found in most makeup. I'm just getting into theatre and have auditions coming up. FML
Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML
Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML
Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML
Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML
Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML
Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML
Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML
Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML
Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML
Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML
Today, I logged onto Facebook to see one of my "friends" had used my account to post a coming-out story. It had comments on it such as "I knew it!" "Finally." and "That explains so much." FML
Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML
Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML
Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML
Today, in the men's room, a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML
Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML
Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML
Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML
Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML
Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut please, and make it look extra stupid." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
