Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet the family. After several long moments of silence, one of my sisters burst out laughing, and asked, "Okay, who is this guy really?" FML
Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML
Today, I came home from work to my three year-old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "Daddy, smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it? Then she pushed my face into the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML
Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML
Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML
Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML
Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left a sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML
Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML
Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML
Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML
Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML
Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML
Today, I was vomiting after an evening of drinking. My boyfriend was kind enough to hold my hair back while I spewed chunks into the toilet. Apparently he got bored though, because his hands made their way down to my boobs, which he started jiggling while singing Jingle Bells. FML
Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML
Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML
Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML
Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML
Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML
Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML
Today, while lying in bed, I heard a strange grating noise coming from the hallway. After recovering from my initial assumption that it was a poltergeist come to murder me and steal my liver, I went out to investigate. It was there that I discovered my bulldog casually eating into the wall. FML
Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML
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