ethan_unoxx

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

Roid rage incoming

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

Hogs gone wild

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, with whom I live, told me that they didn't get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

Sorry

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

Happy Thanksgiving, sort of

Today, my entire family came over for Thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fistfight and only one cop car was called. FML

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes; mine said no. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

Memories

Today, I found a video of a school play I starred in years ago. I was ecstatic, because it's really the only memento of my childhood I have left. Unfortunately, it started with my grandpa groaning, "Ahh shit," and degenerated into him muttering over the audio about "those fucking commies." FML

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

Busted

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

Night on the tiles

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

Memories

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML