28 years-old Single
Today, one of my regulars came up to my car in the parking lot. We talked through the window while I put on my makeup. He then asked for a hug because he won't be in for two weeks. I obliged and he was kind enough to slide his hand between my legs. He then gave me $50 not to tell his wife. FML
Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML
Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML
Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML
Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML
Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML
Today, after my sister's wedding, a bunch of people were dancing. I noticed my grandma sitting alone and looking sad. My grandpa died last month, so feeling bad for her, I asked if she'd like to dance with me. She seemed a lot happier, until I accidentally caused her to fall and break her arm. FML
Today, my 18 year-old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML
Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML
Today, I had to stand up on a train for my 4-hour journey. Why? Two pregnant women flew into unbridled rage with me over sitting in the priority seating, saying I was selfish. I'm recovering from spinal surgery. FML
Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML
Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML
Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML
Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML
Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML
Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother, who passed last week. FML
Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML
Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML
Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles from fatigue. FML
Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML
Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML
Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML
Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML
Today, I made a couple of videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I got back from school to find my family huddled around the camcorder, laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML
Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box saying, "Love, mom." FML
Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
