Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML
Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML
Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML
Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML
Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML
Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML
Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said, "Did you have fun at the party?" I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied, "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left." FML
Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her, "Just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and then turned to me to yell, "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML
Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said, "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML
Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex Tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was naked and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML
Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML
Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML
Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML
Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML
Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML
Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining, "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said, "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML
Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML
Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML
Today, I took a shower in a beach house we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML
Today, it was my mom's birthday, I planned to wish her a happy birthday as she woke up. I opened the door to her room, only to see my dad dancing around in an American flag thong. Grimacing in pain, I closed the door right away. Not only am I forever disturbed, but now my dad is asking me how he looks naked. FML
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