Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML
Today, I was teaching a class when a student pointed out that I'd used the wrong "your/you're" while writing on the board. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML
Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML
Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house, and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home, and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15-minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML
Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML
Today, while getting gas, a hottie pulled-up to the pump next to me. I finished filling my tank and started to drive away. As I was checking her out and paying no attention to my driving, I ended up taking the front bumper off her car with my truck. FML
Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML
Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML
Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML
Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML
Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a week's pay. FML
Today, I found out what I look like drunk and naked while swinging a tennis racket thanks to a picture message forwarded to just about everyone I know and some I don't. Among the numbers the text was sent to was a familiar one. My mom's. FML
Today, I was on a job trial at the local pet shop and, naturally, was doing all the disgusting jobs. As I was cleaning the kittens' litter in the cat enclosure, someone thought it would be funny to lock me in there. I sat in a giant cage in the middle of the store with people laughing at me. FML
Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML
Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML
Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML
Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to "see if I would look hot even when pregnant". We've been dating for three weeks now. FML
Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend, who I dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML
Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML
Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML
Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML
Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML
Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML
Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML
Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML
Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML
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