davidlime

Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

The inconsistent gardener

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

That's more than I asked for

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

See ya later

Today, my sister drove past me while I was walking home in the rain. She honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

Party time!

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

Compromising situation

Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper, we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset, so I politely asked where the bathroom was so I could "powder my nose;" After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

Partytime! Yay!

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

The Usain Bolt method

Today, a girl came into my salon to permanently straighten her really long and curly hair. After several long hours, I went to the counter to charge her. She ran out faster than an Olympic runner. FML

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I'm now afraid to add people on Facebook. FML

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML