Miss Texas, USA 35 years-old
Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML
Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML
Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML
Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML
Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML
Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML
Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML
Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he'd take me to the hospital. FML
Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML
Today, I realized that before I can legally drink, I will have been married, divorced, and pregnant. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML
Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML
Today, I had to choose between living with my overprotective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot-smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML
Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML
Today, my wife and I received confirmation that she has postpartum depression. When sharing this with the family, my mother exclaimed "I told you she was a psycho!" Now my wife is crying louder and more often than our newborn. Thanks, mom. FML
Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML
Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML
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