balenciagaaaaa

Sick burn

Today, my mother used climate change as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

Pay attention

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

Brain melt

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

Serious talk

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother's death to the death of their cat. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one was "Sex with other men". FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, I realized how bad my feelings of inadequacy compared to other women and jealousy are when I started thumbing down songs on Pandora simply because the cover art had a better looking woman than me on it. FML

Distance makes the heart…

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

Today, I found out I've miserably failed a college exam. My friend had agreed to pass me answers if I needed them, since I've hardly studied this year. We were on the phone when she said, "Oh, those answers were bullshit. Serves you right, huh?" FML

Today, at work at a gas station kiosk, a man requested a carton of cigarettes. We keep our cigarettes on a high shelf. I'm short and very large chested so I have to jump in order to reach the carton. He said, "I only come here for the entertainment" and left without purchasing his cigarettes. FML

Doppelganger

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

Today, while at work, a man came up to me and screamed that I was the devil's child, pointing at the tattoo on my wrist the whole time. I just stood there while he prayed for my soul. FML

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said it's a good thing, because it was a "mutual decision", and that while she wouldn't mind staying together, I was the one who wanted to split, and she respected my decision. I wish I had been a part of this delusional conversation. FML

Today, I had just finished up at work. I was standing on a street corner, waiting to cross to get to my car on the other side. I had three people pull up beside me and ask me how much I charged. FML

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML