Miss Los Angeles 37 years-old It's complicated
Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML
Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML
Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML
Today, I sharted. While I was naked. Standing on a new carpet in my girlfriend's bedroom. In front of my girlfriend. FML
Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML
Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML
Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML
He disappeared like this weekend!
Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML
Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML
Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML
Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML
Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally answered my Snapchats. He was laying on a bed with purple pillows and sheets. His are gray. FML
Oops!
Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML
Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML
Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML
Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML
Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML
Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML
Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML
Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML
Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML
Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML
Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML
Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML
Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML
Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
