Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML
Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML
Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML
Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML
Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML
Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML
Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML
Today, at work, I was forced to nod and smile as a pregnant, fifteen-year-old, brain-dead Jersey Shore wannabe cussed me out for being rude by using words from a "foreign language" during our conversation. I used the word "pretentious." FML
Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML
Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML
Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML
Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML
Today, at around 11 p.m., the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML
Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML
Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, I was told that my insurance will no longer cover my birth control as it's deemed "unnecessary" for a man, which, according to them, I've been since August. I'm definitely still a woman. FML
Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML
Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML
Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML
Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML
Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML
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