Miss Sacramento, America 34 years-old Single
Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML
Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML
Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML
Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML
Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML
Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML
Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML
Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML
Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML
Today, I needed to buy a new crash helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, I walked into my elderly grandmother's trailer, used the bathroom and went to wash my hands. She had a soft spot in the floor that she covered with a bathmat. I fell through. Right leg up to my hip in the floor, boobs stuck on the counter. My husband and grandmother stood there laughing. FML
Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours, only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML
Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML
Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML
Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML
Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML
Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML
Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML
Today, I found out my sister-in-law is getting married. She is one of my best friends, and was my maid of honor when I got married. She's asked me to serve punch at hers. FML
Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML
Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML
Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML
Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
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