South Gate, United States 25 years-old In a relationship
Today, my parents confiscated my iPod, because the parents' group they go to came to the conclusion that music is a gateway to anti-social behavior. FML
Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML
Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML
Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML
Today, I realized how poor I am when I had to use sharpies to color in the worn spots on my dress shoes before leaving for work. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML
Today, while at the store, I realized how socially inept I am when I said "excuse me" to a shopping cart because it was in my way. FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML
Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML
Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML
Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML
Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML
Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML
Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML
Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML
Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML
Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML
Today, my daughter's obsession with Canada got out way of hand when she was suspended for climbing up the flagpole, in an attempt to replace the flag with a red-and-white maple leaf one. FML
Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML
Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML
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