Miss Killadelphia, Pistolvania, usa, usa, usa 32 years-old Single
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML
Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML
Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML
Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML
Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML
Today, I got a tattoo of the snake and staff medical symbol on my wrist. Now everyone keeps asking what illness I have; they think it's a medical bracelet substitute. FML
Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML
Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall…" Before I could say "…asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML
Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML
Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML
Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML
Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML
Today, I went fishing with my dad. I figured, since we were out on the dock, I may as well get rid of my farmer's tan. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to a fishing net draped over me. I now have a fishnet pattern down the front of my body. FML
Today, after asking my psychiatrist about natural alternatives to medication for my depression, she replied, "Why not Zoidberg?" FML
Today, I foolishly thought that I was alone in the house, and let out a huge fart on the toilet. This went on for a while due to an upset stomach. I later walked into the living room only to find my parents and a few of their friends sitting on the couch, teary-eyed from laughing so much. FML
Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd have to ask his dad if it was OK. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "Come on, Dad" and "But why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML
Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML
Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML
Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML
Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML
Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML
Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML
Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML
Today, I repeatedly had to ask people to please stop groping the mannequins. FML
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