Mrs Houstalantavegas, U.S.A 35 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML
Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face onto my knee and breaking my nose. FML
Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I decided to snack on some M&M's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my M&M's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the M&M off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an M&M. It was a dead beetle. FML
Today, I found out that my writing teacher entered in one of my paper grades wrong. After many emails, she said she can't change my grade unless I fax her the original. I need that grade fixed so I can keep my scholarship. I can’t find the paper anywhere. That one paper could cost me $30,000. FML
Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML
Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML
Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML
Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML
Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML
Today, I was in the elevator with my new boss. He asked things like "How are you?" "How's your day going?" and "What's for dinner?" I answered everything and tried to make small talk. I then noticed that he was wearing a bluetooth and was talking to someone else. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML
Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML
Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML
Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML
Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML
Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML
Today, a businessman in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML
Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML
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