Mr Calgary , Canada 38 years-old
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML
Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML
Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML
Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML
Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML
Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML
Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML
Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML
Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML
Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML
Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML
Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
