tacohead411

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

Losing streak

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here" from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

Prospects

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML

Takes one to know one

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML

Our house, in the middle of our street

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

Smokey

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

Big whoop

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

Effective

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

Imagine what it would be like

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I'm now afraid to add people on Facebook. FML

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

Desperate for D

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

The customer is almost always annoying

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after, complaining they were too expensive. FML

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

Party pooper

Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML