Miss Tempe, United States 27 years-old In a relationship
Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML
Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML
Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML
Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML
Today, I had a big exam. Twenty minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled, "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML
Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML
Today, I was riding the bus home from college. I was standing in the aisle and there was a rather cute girl sitting next to me. The bus came to an abrupt stop, I tripped, and fell into her lap. She shrieked, "Eww! Get off me!" and shove me onto the floor of the bus. Nice to know I'm revolting. FML
Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML
Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML
Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML
Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML
Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML
Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML
Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program, which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunchroom started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML
Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML
Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML
Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML
Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML
Today, my grandma's cat peed on my full leg cast. The closest doctor was a three hour drive away. So my grandma wouldn't take me at all the whole weekend. FML
Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML
Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML
Today, I had a strong feeling that someone was watching me as I was undressing to get ready for bed. I conspicuously moved to the door and threw it open to find my step-brother clearly spying on me. We are the same age, live in the same house three weeks a month and in the same English class. FML
Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML
Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML
Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML
Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML
Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML
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