Oak Hill, United States 33 years-old
Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could retake a test. I thought I'd texted back, "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML
Today, I finished and turned in the last of the 17 major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I heard her ask her assistant, "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML
Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML
Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML
Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML
Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML
Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML
Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML
Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML
Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML
Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML
Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML
Today, my dog managed to pull a one-pound package of raw bacon out and eat the entire package including the cardboard. The vets cheered when they finally got him to puke up the entire, unchewed package of bacon. FML
Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML
Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML
Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML
Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML
Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML
Today, my landlord decided to have people visit my apartment since I'm moving out next month. She had warned me about potential visitors this week but didn't specify when. I work the graveyard shift and apparently the fact that I was sleeping in my room during the visit didn't bother her at all. FML
Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML
Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML
Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating, because I tipped our waitress at dinner. FML
Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML
Today, I shaved my pubic area for my fiancé. He told me it looked "like Frodo tried to hack off Gandalf's beard with Gimli's ax." FML
Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML
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