VegasVic

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

Not welcome here

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

Scary!

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

Small mistake

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

Nice to know

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

Awkward

Today, I found out what it's like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML

Unconvincing

Today, I tried to discipline my two year-old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

Glad for you

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

Absolute beginner

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared that I passed out. I was only on the kiddie hill. FML

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML