Miss
Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML
Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML
Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML
Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML
Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and who knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night… It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML
Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML
Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML
Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML
Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML
Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML
Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML
Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML
Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year-old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML
Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML
Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML
Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML
Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML
Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML
Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML
Today, I finally got my yearbook for senior year in high school. I started what everyone does, which is count how many times I appear in the yearbook. I stopped when I found a prominent photo of me, picking my nose in class. FML
Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML
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