mimilu000

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

We should do this again some time

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

Referral

Today, I was at the dentist's. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

Today, I overheard a conversation between coworkers, during which my name was mentioned, then, "and then I followed her around for a bit, but she didn’t do it again." Everyone laughed. I've no idea what I did that was so funny. FML

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

Free hugs

Today, I was walking down the strip with a friend when we saw a homeless man with no arm. I felt bad, so I gave him some cash and I looked into his poor little eyes when he put out his arm for a hug. Without thinking, I hugged him. Right as I was thinking, "WTF am I doing?" he kissed my boob. FML

Today, was my grandmother's funeral and we had to sing. My dad is a horrible singer, and I tried my hardest not to laugh, I turned red faced and tears were falling from my eyes. My step mother held my hand and said that she was in a better place. I couldn't hold it any longer. I laughed my ass off. FML

I love my family

Today, during an argument with my daughter, she screamed, "Everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration, where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

Emotional

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Stress test

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML