Today, it is both my birthday and Easter. My whole family came into town and my mom made a big dinner with all of my favorite foods. After church, I took a nap. When I woke up, all the food, including my cake, was gone. No one thought to wake me up. FML
Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML
Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML
Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML
Today, I checked over the pictures on my night-cam to see if my cats are really going on our kitchen counters. As soon as I'd seen the first picture, I realized that this whole time that my cats hadn't been going on it. It was a rat. FML
Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML
Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML
Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML
Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML
Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single, and jobless. FML
Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML
Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML
Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML
Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML
Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML
Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML
Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML
Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML
Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended was the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML
Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
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