Deep in the Melk Mountains 79 years-old
Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML
Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML
Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML
Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said, "That was my daughter." FML
Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML
Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML
Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML
Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML
Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML
Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML
Today, at work in a liquor store, a man came in to demand a refund because after he "drank the whole bottle of Jack" he "couldn't get it up" for his wife. He thought that alcohol was supposed to be an aphrodisiac, and blamed me personally for his "whiskey dick". FML
Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML
Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said, "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said, "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML
Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML
Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently, I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML
Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML
Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom, demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a goddamn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML
Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML
Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML
Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML
Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML
Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
Today, I had a wet dream in the middle of an 8-hour-long airplane flight. FML
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML
Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML
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