Okanagan Falls, Canada 31 years-old Single
Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML
Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML
Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML
Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML
Today, a five year-old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML
Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML
Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML
Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML
Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML
Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML
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