Miss North Charleston, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML
Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML
Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML
Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML
Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML
Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML
Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML
Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkison's. So I went to help her to light it up and she then started chatting with me and told me she had lung cancer. FML
Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML
Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked, "Why does it smell so bad?" I replied, "Sweat". FML
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML
Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML
Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week-old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later, I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML
Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry…" FML
Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML
Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML
Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML
Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML
Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML
Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML
Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML
Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML
Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML
Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks's odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our one year anniversary because "He knew I liked them." He has no idea why I am so upset. FML
Today, my 5 year old lactose intolerant daughter decided to have some chocolate. The result: me cleaning the bathroom walls at 3am, finishing at 4:30am, and then start cleaning again at 5am when her stomach contents decided I had missed a spot. FML
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