Spirit_Of_Nature

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

It's not a prank, bro!

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

Bye bye loser

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

Rough patch

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

Please leave

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

Lookalike

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

Classy

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

Stripped

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

Today, I got a job in my university library. My job title is technical services. My actual job is pulling off the book label for the scanner and putting a new one on. For six hours a day. FML

Today, I was kicked out of class for having a coughing fit. Yesterday, I was kicked out of class for sleeping, a side effect of my cough suppressant. Three absents from this class and I automatically fail. FML

It's alive!

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

Today, I was walking to work through a bad part of town. A man yelled something at me, but knowing what part of town I was in, I ignored him and kept walking. Two seconds later I got hit by a car. Turns out, he was trying to warn me about the car coming right towards me. FML

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

Mindfullness

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be alright, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

What's wrong with me?

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said, "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

Lost in translation

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

Don't look back

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

Broke boy

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML