Today, it's Christmas Day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML
Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML
Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML
Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML
Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML
Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML
Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML
Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML
Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML
Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML
Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML
Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML
Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horseshit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML
Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML
Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML
Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my fingernail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML
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