beetman5

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

Today, I realized how close my boyfriend and best friend are. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

How did it come to this?

Today, I had to say, "Put away your burrito," "That ruler is not a lightsaber," and, "Stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

It's all in the timing

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML

Touch grass

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML

Check this out!

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML

Will you…

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

Tasty

Today, I ordered ramen to go. I looked at my order and discovered a cockroach. Disgusted, I showed it to them, and they apologized by "replacing" it for free. Later on, while I was enjoying the delicious food, I once again discovered a cockroach buried under all the noodles. FML

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

Ciphered

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

Don't pick up

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML