36 years-old
Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML
Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML
Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML
Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML
Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML
Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML
Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML
Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML
Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML
Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML
Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML
Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML
Today, I'd just finished feeding my parrot and sweeping all the seeds under the cage. As I was walking away, my parrot whistled. I turned around to see him get up onto the food dish, pick up a clawful of food and toss it on the floor. FML
Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML
Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML
Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML
Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML
Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML
Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I'd said hello to her as I came in the door. FML
Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
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