theeiffeltowel

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

Terrible prank

Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddenly interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

Vegas, my ass

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

Clout chasing

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes, or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

Today, my mother got me to guess who she spent the night with. I then find out it was the gas station guy. The same creep that I've been complaining about because he hits on me every time I go get gas. Good pick Mom. FML

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

Catfished

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

The tourist

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally replied, "Yeth ma'am." She ended the tour right there. FML

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again, but I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out." My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

The final countdown

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend while at my aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message, I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she's taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML