magmagana

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

Force of habit

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

Protip

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

We finally made it

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

That's one way to start the weekend

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

Make it stop

Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

Whatever floats your boat

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly, and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

FREEBIRD!

Today, I finally got to attend the concert I have been anticipating for weeks. The band was great. The drunk guy sitting behind me yelling profanity and out of tune lyrics in my ear throughout the entire show, however, was not. FML

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

Today, I was bitched out by my supervisor because of my lack of "customer service" skills. I work at a jail and all my "customers" are criminals. FML

WHO ARE YOU?

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

Today, I delivered a pizza to a guy so high out of his mind that I had to let myself in and set it down on a table, because he'd forgotten how to walk, and was on the ground sobbing. FML

Legged it

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

Never enough

Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML

Some things never change…

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband, half-naked, and yelling at the TV screen while watching a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

Get off!

Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

Welcome to the neighborhood

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

Overcompensating

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML