Anonymous
Kids say the darndest things
Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML
Wadlaen
37 years-old
grooveshark
🌶️ Spicy
Quiet down!
Today, I could hear my parents having sex from the other end of my house. My mom set the stove on fire because she forgot she was cooking. FML
Anonymous
Gillette, United States
Not now, mom!
Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML
Anonymous
Australia 🌶️ Spicy
Online shopping
Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo, a jockstrap, and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Left hanging
Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML
Anonymous
Bristol, United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy
New skills
Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML
unlucky
Heavy sleeper
Today, I had a migraine. I decided to wear earplugs to block out sound while I slept. I don't usually wear them because they hurt my ears like nobody's business. The one day I wear earplugs, I get robbed. In the middle of the day. Through my own bedroom window. FML
WoofWoof
Islamabad, Pakistan
Comedian
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML
Anonymous
New York, United States
Stable genius
Today, I went on a short date with a new girl in the office, who everyone thought was a tad bit odd. Also today, she showed me the names of our future children. FML
sideGirl
Lancaster, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Side piece
Today, I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend when she walked into his bedroom while we were having sex. I didn't drive there, so I'm now sitting in his car while they fight. It's been two hours since she got home. FML
Anonymous
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Thanks, I hate it!
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me while I was at work. She did so by telling me she has a yeast infection. FML
Anonymous
Brisbane, Australia
Prison Break
Today, I went to my daughter's best friends birthday party, only to find my ex there, who is now sleeping with the mother, who has a fiancé in prison, who isn't going to be happy when he gets out. Most awkward kids birthday party ever. FML
anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Sing me to sleep…
Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML
Anonymous
San Bernardino, United States
The long con
Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML
robot lady
The magic of love
Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML
bad sis sad sis
🌶️ Spicy
Snitches get stitches
Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML
Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS
Miami, United States
That homely smell
Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML
Anonymous
United States
Get out
Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML
Anonymous
Singapore, Singapore
Optimism
Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy
People have lists?!
Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML
Pat
Buffalo, United States
New relations
Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML
Anonymous
Exeter, United Kingdom 🌶️ Spicy
Can't get no…
Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Tell, don't show
Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML
morningbirdie
Drunk level: 2000
Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML
Anonymous
Portland, United Stated 🌶️ Spicy
Stormy weather
Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML
parenting fail
United States
A teenage dream's so hard to beat…
Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML
Todd
Masterchef
Today, I bought tomato sauce and tomato paste to make rigatoni. Forgot to buy the meat and the pasta. FML
Anonymous
United States
Bigmouth strikes again
Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML
Anonymous
Sopron, Hungary
Bittie
Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
AT&Twat
Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his best friend that the only reason he likes to sleep over at my house is for the sex and the fast internet. FML