Mr It's complicated
Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML
Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML
Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML
Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML
Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML
Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML
Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML
Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML
Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML
Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML
Today, while at the store, I realized how socially inept I am when I said "excuse me" to a shopping cart because it was in my way. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML
Today, I had a huge yard sale. Since I live in a good neighborhood, I decided to leave the stuff out tonight rather than pack it all in for only a few hours. The news didn't say anything about the impending severe thunderstorm. FML
Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML
Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML
Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML
Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML
Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML
Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated, "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend home, and I introduced him to my parents. Afterwards, I took him to my room so we could have some "bonding" time. Right as things got pretty intense, I heard my dad yell, "Stop faking, honey." FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML
Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML
Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right; she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML
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