Miss under your bed o.0, somewhere in your closet 30 years-old
Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML
Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML
Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML
Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML
Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML
Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML
Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML
Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML
Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML
Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML
Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML
Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML
Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML
Today, it was my last day at my dad's. I thought he'd want to say goodbye, instead he told me, "Hope you've got all your shit. Anything you leave, I'm burning." FML
Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML
Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML
Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML
Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML
Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML
Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML
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