West Covina, United States 34 years-old Single
Today, my mom started dipping into my college savings, just so she can continue throwing money away on visiting a medium who claims she can channel the spirit of our recently-deceased family dog. FML
Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML
Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML
Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML
Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML
Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML
Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML
Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML
Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML
Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML
Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML
Today, I had to play the role of Superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiancé had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML
Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML
Today, I am not allowed to have any of my candy because of my sister's weight problem. FML
Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML
Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML
Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML
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