alpal264

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

Stress test

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

Today, my dandruff issue is so awful that even my eyebrows have dandruff. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

Protips

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

Living life on low battery mode

Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

Secret Weeb

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in, in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It's the Pokémon theme song. FML

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

They call him Mighty Force

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

Make it so

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

Lightweight

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

Today, I tried to explain to my 23-year-old boyfriend the difference between "your" and "you're". I do this every other day, but it's like his head is permanently stuck in the first grade. FML

Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Alexa, play "Family Snapshot" by Peter Gabriel

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML