orangeyotter

Oh no…

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, who had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

Resting bitch face

Today, I had to explain to this really intimidating girl that I wasn't giving her a dirty look, and that it was just my face at rest. FML

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

Today, it appears that it's Single Loser Awareness Day. FML

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

Good night!

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

David Attenborough

Today, my boyfriend decided he was going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

You have been warned

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I was accused of being high. Why? Because I was playing with a milk bottle. FML

We should do this again some time

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

Creepy

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

Potterheads, man…

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

Exhausted parents can relate

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML