Miss 33 years-old Single
Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, my dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "Mom." I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me "something nice." FML
Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML
Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML
Today, in an incredibly busy shopping center bathroom with my 5 year-old niece, I was squatting over the toilet seat to avoid germs. My niece then says at the top of her voice, "Auntie, why are you sitting like a kangaroo?" I'd say the whole room pissed their pants laughing. FML
Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, I'd be spending it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML
Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML
Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML
Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML
Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML
Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML
Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML
Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML
Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML
Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML
Today, my teenage son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML
Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML
Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML
Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML
Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML
Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my little sister knocking on my door. Today's my birthday, so I thought she'd surprise me with something. Instead, she just asked me, "How's it feel to be a year older and still alone?" I just turned 20. The truth hurts. FML
Today, it was the first time a guy has shown any interest in me by calling me pretty. I was so shocked that instead of saying thank you, I hid behind the nearest object and promptly giggle-snorted. FML
Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML
Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML
Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time." It was a little weird, but I let her. Ten minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML
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