Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML
Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML
Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML
Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML
Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML
Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML
Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML
Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML
Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML
Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML
Today, I found out my roommate has been using my bed for months because he didn't want his sheets to "smell like gay sex" when his mom washed them. FML
Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML
Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML
Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML
Today, as things were finally heating up with a guy I'm interested in, his ex-girlfriend from two months ago called. Guess who's pregnant and guess who's still in a seven-month dry spell. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML
Today, I was jerking off at 2am when a giant, thumb-sized cockroach came flying across my room, prompting me to scream pretty loudly. My mom then came into my room worried, only to find me naked on top of the couch, screaming like a little girl. I still had an erection. FML
Today, I rushed to work after a night of drinking and partying, and put my hair up on my way in. People started worriedly asking what happened to my head, so I looked in the mirror. I had scratches and a welt on my forehead from hitting the wall during sex last night. FML
Today, I got off a long shift and went to the bus stop. Upon arrival, I saw a girl giving a guy a blowjob. Disgusted, I tried to avoid them and sat on the bench to wait. The girl popped up angrily and looked over at me. "Can't you give us some privacy?!" This is the only bus stop nearby. FML
Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML
Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML
Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard that she had a seizure and passed out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML
Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML
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