Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML
Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML
Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML
Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML
Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML
Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML
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Top comments
DanielleinDC 34
Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)
RichardPencil 32
****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.
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Comments (36)
FishyFishy 12
At least your minty fresh now?!
wHSKitty 11
Your - your; you’re- you are
zuckerburg 21
there, their, they're... it'll be ok.
zuckerburg 21
there, their, they're... it'll be ok.
DanielleinDC 34
Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)
tounces7 28
And who the heck would even WANT to lick off toothpaste, anyway?
Emma Marshall 19
It's fine... you can literally buy body chocolate. And any chocolate would be fine anyway lol.
RichardPencil 32
****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.
JustThatPerson 21
Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...
JustThatPerson 21
Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...
JustThatPerson 21
Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...
real life problems 26
Nobody old enough to have sex, should be this ******* stupid.
mekiswrite 21
Plot twist: they're NOT old enough to have sex
Donut_Wizard 23
Mint queefs. Sounds like a new candy.
wHSKitty 11
Ew lol
wanted_2_want 40
Multitasking at its best: He brushed his teeth while doing the deed and pleasuring you. -at least for a brief while.
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
that dumbass does realize toothpaste is basically a weak acid right
BurnInDemonFire 39
Fire in the hole!
zuckerburg 21
I'm just glad he didn't "spice it up" by using chili....regardless, ladies, please have some open communication with your man when you decide to try new things to discuss the various in's and out's (pun intended) of your ******, i.e What can go in/on top and what can't.
Mungolikecandy 19
You must have had a severe reaction or have some form of prescription toothpaste for that to happen. If it was deep heat or something similar I could believe it.
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
probably colgate