Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML
Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML
Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else had left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML
Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML
Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML
Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML
Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. FML
Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML
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Top comments
real life problems 26
Sounds like you should have invited his ex instead, for a bigger experience
chosha_fml 27
‘Netflix and spew’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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Comments (12)
real life problems 26
Sounds like you should have invited his ex instead, for a bigger experience
FishyFishy 12
Just let him out, no trash can or bag. HE MUST SUFFER!
RichardPencil 32
Cocktails? Whose **** in whose tail? What happened in the beginning and middle of the evening?
chosha_fml 27
‘Netflix and spew’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
boopingsnoot 25
“Hulu and spew” works better
Madrias 36
Party Foul!
DMA 11
Don’t leave us in suspense, OP! How big was his ex’s dick?!
Zekfen 17
Maybe he was still suffering from the migraines his ex boyfriend gave him every time he orgasmed.
booboo300 15
Cocktails? More like **** tales.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
And you didn't kick him out because...?
KingAdrock 16
It couldn't be that big, considering this dude's gag reflex...