Animals: Today, I was stopped by a cop whilst opening my front door. Apparently... - FML

By ButILiveHere - Netherlands - Voerendaal

Today, I was stopped by a cop whilst opening my front door. Apparently my house has been under investigation for being abandoned and a possible drug lab. I live alone with my cats. I knew it was sad, not that it was suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3590

You deserved it

262

Tweet

Share

Out of it

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1338

You deserved it

294

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2138

You deserved it

317

Tweet

Share

By Maxwell - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46691

You deserved it

16707

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3257

You deserved it

195

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8408

You deserved it

41144

Tweet

Share

By poisongrl - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28858

You deserved it

2415

Tweet

Share

By girlgirlinsanity - United States

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40368

You deserved it

5749

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30477

You deserved it

10858

Tweet

Share

By megangubler - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55577

You deserved it

5252

Tweet

Share

By FutureMarine3658 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7408

You deserved it

50320

Tweet

Share

By MaKaDa - United States

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49567

You deserved it

4800

Tweet

Share

By Hank - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68587

You deserved it

3055

Tweet

Share

By tatfreak - United States

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17702

You deserved it

36307

Tweet

Share

By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4669

You deserved it

325

Tweet

Share

By Snorlax - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

53594

You deserved it

14681

Tweet

Share

By laviestpasimal - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27640

You deserved it

2478

Tweet

Share

By lilviss - Australia

It was yummy

Today, I found maggots in the ketchup on my sausage. Too bad I had already eaten half of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1800

You deserved it

231

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45368

You deserved it

8444

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36036

You deserved it

4900

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32462

You deserved it

5647

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68854

You deserved it

21476

Tweet

Share

By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70466

You deserved it

4881

Tweet

Share

By Tee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22682

You deserved it

4571

Tweet

Share

By bride - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52916

You deserved it

10042

Tweet

Share

By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35302

You deserved it

24294

Tweet

Share

By nthor - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14652

You deserved it

140912

Tweet

Share

By singleagain - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23927

You deserved it

42386

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28717

You deserved it

3842

Tweet

Share

By jacko - Reserved

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18537

You deserved it

40442

Tweet

Share

By Scarred4Life - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32681

You deserved it

3485

Tweet

Share

By IAMALITAHA - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45348

You deserved it

4520

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43499

You deserved it

2982

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 02:00

Cold-blooded old times

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1690

You deserved it

340

Tweet

Share

By pencilring - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36624

You deserved it

14263

Tweet

Share

By

Official meeting

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3041

You deserved it

170

Tweet

Share

By SezzyJ - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39206

You deserved it

3840

Tweet

Share

By flatfoot - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32166

You deserved it

3000

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1759

You deserved it

907

Tweet

Share

By ValeyFallsAlot

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26804

You deserved it

2981

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19488

You deserved it

2385

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7701306 - Saturday 29 September 2018 16:40

It might be the smell. You might want to re-home a couple cats.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7706474 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 3:11

You were illegally growing catnip, weren't you?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7701306 - Saturday 29 September 2018 16:40

It might be the smell. You might want to re-home a couple cats.

Reply

Daniella Verbrugge | 11

#7709589 - Tuesday 16 October 2018 14:19

All two of them? Never!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7706474 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 3:11

You were illegally growing catnip, weren't you?

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7706488 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 4:01

Sounds like it's time to mow the lawn and apply a fresh coat of paint.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7706492 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 4:27

So the lonely cat lady is just a front? Interesting.

By weeping_willow | 25

#7706495 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 4:50

I need more details

By RichardPencil | 29

#7706497 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 5:11

Maybe if you kept the litter boxes clean, it wouldn’t smell like a meth lab.