Miscellaneous: Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

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There's no helping some people

Family values

Litter

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By vansboy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By Jaime - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

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By crb25453 - United States - Stafford

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

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By supercharged - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Embarrassed wife

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

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By writerflaw - United States - Juneau

Today, I lost a grade on an essay, because according to my teacher, I put much more detail into my analytical essay than I should have. FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By Idontbelieveinmagic - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By Yeoman - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By WickedRene - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By pineapple456 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

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By achoo-plop - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

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By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Noise annoys

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

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By Jason - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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By monquiqui - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

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By jlowder2 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By nyaahaha - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By ohboy - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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By biomajor - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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By lizann - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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By grimatwork - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

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By { o } - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

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Top comments

By PsychoMerk | 0

#2492432 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:04

battleshits? ;-;

By Blueglasscup | 18

#2492513 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:26

I guess that's what you call a shi- *gets slapped*. Okay nevermind...'

COMMENTS

By PsychoMerk | 0

#2492432 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:04

battleshits? ;-;

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2492639 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 10:24

thats what you get for taking a shit at school. save that shit till you get home

Reply

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2492702 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 11:23

agreed 27, I use to skip school just because I refuse to use public bathrooms...moral of the story, hold your ass in higher regards then settling for school facilities...

Reply

fthku | 13

#2493775 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 15:48

In that case, #31, your name is highly hypocritical!

When you gotta go you gotta go. When did people become such spoiled pansy asses?

Reply

Jimster1712 | 0

#2493987 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 17:02

same things happening to my school. except they havr outdoor toilets

Reply

stephy0823 | 0

#2494026 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 17:09

agreed lol..

Reply

Insane_Tea | 15

#2494059 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 17:31

I was using the bathroom at school. Yes I was peeing while sitting down and taking a dump also. But lord behold some jerk kicked the door in on me and said I was masturbating. I have to take 2 more years of ungodly ridicule. I feel for you OP.

Reply

dunner12 | 0

#2494347 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 19:01

nice Harold and Kumar reference #1 I forgot about that scene LOL

Reply

ItWasAllWorthIt | 0

#2494473 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 19:22

49, what does Lord Behold mean?

Reply

NastyNinja31 | 0

#2494539 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 19:41

lmfao

Reply

SunDropGirl | 0

#2495760 - Thursday 12 May 2011 0:26

27 smetimes when you gotta go you gotta go! and if you don't your gas piles up in your tummy and that is no bueno!(: and that is my unintelligent way of describing that matter!

Reply

xXxXxMasonxXxXx | 7

#2496263 - Thursday 12 May 2011 2:51

battle shits, Lolz, I loved tht scene

Reply

itsgen | 16

#2497055 - Thursday 12 May 2011 5:47

i agree with you, its not like you can do anything about that when you have to go

Reply

kcluna | 6

#2498313 - Thursday 12 May 2011 14:13

1- Nayeli I miss you!!

Reply

pandaz1711 | 0

#2501520 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:06

haha

By marinus_fml | 19

#2492434 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:04

Cue shitty jokes :)

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2494352 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 19:01

I would write "Talk about a shitty situation," but I would probably get thumbs down because that joke is getting so overused, just like my x's vagina. However, since I AM a pro at getting thumbed down, I will say this: what a shitty situation, OP!

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3507438 - Saturday 29 October 2011 5:58

Good thing OP wasn't masturbating. Could you imagine?

By BamBarBiYaKergud | 2

#2492452 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:07

disgrace. but you have no choice i guess, better
than you shit yourself.

By iheartbewbies | 0

#2492457 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:09

inb4 shit puns

Reply

takeapieandrun | 9

#2492530 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:30

Too late

By i_love_grrr | 0

#2492475 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:15

ha ha! i feel bad for whoever gets explosive diarrhea lol

Reply

l3rowness | 3

#2494200 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 18:24

I'd feel bad for the people in the class too.. get to smell an hear that....

By Livinia | 11

#2492490 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:21

Aww that sucks! You'll probably never live that down now.

Reply

jiggabooj | 0

#2498854 - Thursday 12 May 2011 19:17

hello

By sheethapins | 13

#2492492 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:22

Tell them you were practicing tuba for band class. Gotta play it off smooth as exlax. ;D

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2492547 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:38

I'm watching you.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#2492567 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:44

I judge thee... a stalker!

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2492586 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:51

You have nice curtains.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#2493686 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 15:24

Thanks :D

Reply

xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2497609 - Thursday 12 May 2011 9:12

Lmao! Your picture is a win!

By BahahahLOL | 0

#2492494 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:22

Should have started moaning just to see their faces when you came out.

Pun intended ;)

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#2492542 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:38

I don't see the pun :-/

Reply

melissamoshh | 0

#2492584 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:50

The "when you came" part.

Reply

kingtz | 6

#2492656 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 10:44

What a shitty pun.

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#2493928 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 16:49

I tried my best :'(

Reply

NastyNinja31 | 0

#2494551 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 19:44

I thought it was funny

By flighted | 1

#2492507 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:25

unfortunate? that's OMG horrible...OP has to face these people every day... that sucks.

By MythMaker | 0

#2492510 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 9:26

Atleast you were not playing angry birds.. but still thats hilarious hahahahaha