Kids: Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 92

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 40

02/08/2015 11:39

Today, my satan-spawn of a step-son proudly showed that he can pee accurately while standing up. I'd be less livid if he hadn't pissed on me while I was asleep in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 740

You deserved it 2 561

Late term

Keep your distance

Good boy

03/04/2009 05:23

Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 058

You deserved it 7 572

11/04/2011 04:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 749

You deserved it 9 272

23/12/2014 02:22

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 459

You deserved it 3 079

04/03/2009 15:50

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right infront of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for "impeding the flow of traffic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 895

You deserved it 3 487

22/03/2017 18:00

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 056

You deserved it 3 638

18/09/2012 00:21

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 651

You deserved it 23 415

21/07/2010 16:08

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 756

You deserved it 47 052

24/03/2012 21:07

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 3 890

25/10/2009 18:42

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 188

You deserved it 11 095

27/07/2011 04:05

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 152

You deserved it 3 259

25/07/2011 04:14

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 927

You deserved it 3 564

10/02/2009 05:36

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323 693

You deserved it 38 799

19/08/2014 21:54

Today, I had some painful gas at work, so I tried to silently ease it out. It was silent all right; silent, and so deadly that someone exclaimed, "What the fuck?!" My coworkers traced it back to me. Now they're all pointing their mini desk fans in my direction to make a point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 895

You deserved it 11 770

08/06/2009 04:08

Today, I was introduced to my dad's girlfriend of six months. I've already heard them sleeping together several time,s and seen her car pull away early in the morning. After meeting face to face, I also learned that she's only two years older than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 736

You deserved it 3 248

17/04/2015 15:27

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 815

You deserved it 5 417

Shameless

By lying fuck! - 22/06/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 920

You deserved it 163

Frugality

By Gingertabs - 23/08/2021 22:00

Today, I found out I am only entitled to £63 government assistance a month. I haven't worked or even left house for a year and a half, as my agoraphobia/anxiety has spiraled out of control. I don't know how I'm going to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 275

23/06/2015 03:13

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 292

You deserved it 2 630

13/12/2011 22:43

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 252

You deserved it 3 680

28/02/2012 00:37

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 509

You deserved it 3 030

09/02/2009 00:01

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 389

You deserved it 5 897

27/04/2011 03:07

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 361

You deserved it 4 314

14/05/2009 07:51

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 998

You deserved it 15 500

12/04/2013 15:34

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 403

You deserved it 11 804

06/08/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 251

12/08/2012 04:34

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 416

You deserved it 10 804

FML Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 430

You deserved it 846

14/05/2012 10:31

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 488

You deserved it 6 394

Hangry

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 22:01

Today, my mom has two workbenches in her basement. They are so cluttered, they have all but disappeared. Now that she’s actually building something, she just uses the chest freezer as a workbench. I’m hungry and my dinner is in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 77

31/07/2009 06:44

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 242

You deserved it 44 792

12/09/2017 23:15

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 101

You deserved it 298

14/02/2012 18:29

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 500

You deserved it 4 181

What's next?

By My Body Hates me - 30/07/2020 05:01

Today, I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection that has left me in excruciating pain. A month ago, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. A few weeks before that, I badly sprained my elbow. Before that, I had the flu. I think my body is mutinying one organ system at a time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 117

02/05/2017 17:00

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 450

You deserved it 508

16/11/2015 21:39

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 055

You deserved it 2 085

06/10/2014 19:12

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 438

You deserved it 13 773

17/03/2016 20:40

Today, it appears that moth larvae can make a water boiler their home, especially during my absence for four weeks. I learned it the hard way by pouring their boiled carcasses over my noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 638

You deserved it 2 188

29/10/2014 17:06

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 617

You deserved it 4 616

25/07/2010 11:09

Spicy

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 408

You deserved it 5 753

25/06/2015 03:49

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 120

You deserved it 9 114

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

christophbak 14

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:31

Piss on him to show dominance

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:27

I hope you punished the little shit.

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:27

I hope you punished the little shit.

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 13:33

And make sure your spouse knows about it too, you need to nip attitude problems like that in the bud. Is there an issue because of his real dad? Perhaps he's encouraging bad behaviour towards you.

Standupmast3r 18

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 21:16

I think pissing on someone is a little mire than attitude.

baileybrooke13 15

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:29

Is he supposed to be accurate sitting down..?

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 4:21

Boys don't usually pee sitting down.

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 6:40

I do believe that was the point #2 was trying to make.

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 August 2015 12:05

I know a lot of boys (men) who pee sitting down. Lots of wives make their husbands so that the wife doesn't have to clean up the "splash" on the walls and floor. I'm not one of these wives btw.

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:29

He did what now? I seriously hope he's like two and doesn't understand what he did.

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 1:01

If he was 2 op wouldnt be referring to him as satans spawn, from this we can deduce that he is older and a shithead

Smooth_Criminal 24

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 4:12

No... 2 year olds are demon spawns.

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 10:55

They don't call it the terrible twos for nothin'...

ryannmichael 17

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:30

Lock him in the bathroom at night. Problem solved

mattyiscool123 26

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 2:21

No...

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 5:04

That's how you get your children taken away from you.

christophbak 14

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:31

Piss on him to show dominance

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:31

Tomorrow night, pee on him

cmchappy 25

Monday 3 August 2015 2:40

Your picture makes this 10x creepier therefore 10x funnier

maydayyparade 27

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:35

Pee in HIS bed when he's sleeping. It'll show him who's boss in that house

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:38

And what did his father have to say about all this?

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 16:17

OP is male so mother I think

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:40

You mean you might be less.... Pissed?

jenninator93 18

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 5:02

God damnit I knew this pun was inevitable. Surprised it took 9 comments to show up honestly lol

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 8:12

I almost didn't post it because I wasn't sure if people would hate me for it, I guess not!

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 10:57

I only liked it because I imaging David Caruso saying it while taking off his sunglasses.

RealSuperSand 21

Send a private message

Monday 3 August 2015 0:48

Shit on him in his bed to show your dominance.